i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
