he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
