Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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