tequila makes me forget i have legs
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
