whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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