I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
