I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
