this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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