don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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