I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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