Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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