i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Panties = found
Randomize
