He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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