Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
