I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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