Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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