i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
