I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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