I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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