my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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