"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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