Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
