you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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