thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
