I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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