WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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