I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
