This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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