Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
