I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
