What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
