That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
