You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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