bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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