I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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