my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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