Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
