if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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