It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just invented taco cereal.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
