Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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