here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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