i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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