I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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