cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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