i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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