When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
