My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
