My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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