Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
