in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
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Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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