..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
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I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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