Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
