I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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