I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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