seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I've blown a few things in my day
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
