I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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