Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
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I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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