nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
