My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
