just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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