My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
