When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
