textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
