im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
