i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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